Issa and Molly’s friendship on Insecure has always been the one thing you can depend on to not go wrong on the hit HBO show. From Season 1, when we get introduced to the duo (played by Issa Rae and Yvonne Orji) have been through the fire. They have weathered storms such as break-ups, job drama, ex-boyfriend drama, situationships but somehow still preserved their bond. They are Best Friends Forever like those BFF heart necklaces of teen years past.
It was therefore quite shocking for fans to see the slow but sure disintegration of a friendship in season 4. Without revealing any spoilers, let’s dig into what we can learn from their friendship drama, because as you well know, we have all been there.
Change in inevitable
All friendships go through changes. The sooner you acknowledge this the better. The changes are sometimes physical, such as a major move, but other times they are not as obvious. In Issa and Molly’s case, the stubborn insistence to view each other through old lenses is their undoing. They are both growing and flourishing in areas where they tended to take consistent Ls — for Issa it is her career and for Molly it’s a romantic relationship. Somehow, neither of them can acknowledge or appreciate the new version of their old friend and slowly but surely cracks begin to appear.
What have you done for me lately?
All friendships require an element of reciprocity but not to the point that one party is keeping score. For things to work there has to be a well balanced emotional give and take that does not leave one friend feeling drained and resentful. In Issa and Molly’s case, Molly feels resentful about always bailing out Issa. When Issa gets too busy to avail herself, Molly is left feeling as if she is the one who always comes through and her friend only calls her when requesting a favour. She does not really take Issa’s new venture seriously.
Issa on the other hand feels the lack of support yet is oblivious of the fact that Molly would rather a one-on-one lunch with her than a threesome catchup with New Best Friend Condola. If you have been friends with someone for a long time, it is easy to start taking them for granted yet a phone call, pitching in if their lives have become hectic, or taking them out for a coffee and catching up with all that has been happening in their lives might be all it takes.
Passive aggression
The bane of all friendships. My theory is that women are seldom rewarded for expressing unpleasant feelings, If anything, we are taught from an early age — be it from modelled behaviour or punishment — to swallow our feelings, play nice and smile. This leaves us at a disadvantage when it comes to close relationships where we fear hurting the feelings of another person. But guess what, that anger does not go away, if anything it raises its ugly head in the form of passive aggression.
Snide comments, sarcasm that hits a bit too close to the bone,leaked confidences, jokes that are half meant and so on, all combining to create a weird energy and distance. Granted, there are people who become passive aggressive based on something else that is ongoing in their life but most of the time it is a case of resentful feelings or old hurts that have gone unacknowledged.
If you are being passive aggressive in a friendship examine your feelings, like really sit and feel and name them and ask yourself why. If you are the recipient bring it up with the person and try and deal with it directly. Which brings me to my next point…
Miscommunication leads to complications
A little communication can go a long way. There are people who are so averse to difficult conversations that they would rather ghost than break up with a friend face to face. If you find yourself doing this time and time again, it may be time to ask yourself what role you have played in all these situations.
Communication also allows both people to understand where the other is coming from, to see why they need space or in the case of a friendship break up, honoring the relationship. In Issa and Molly’s case both needed each other’s support and sensitivity as they navigated uncharted territory but neither really articulated it. Communication prevents things from unravelling to the point of huge blow ups or ‘ghosting’.
There is a time and place
Now you have noticed things are off with your friend, they have been for a while. You may have had it up to here with them and are looking for just the right opportunity to let it rip, burn the whole house down! Don’t. As Brené Brown explains in her book Daring Greatly coming in on the offensive is a defensive strategy people use to hide their vulnerability. There is a time and place for everything, try and find a time and space that is private and neutral for both of you. It is usually hard to come back from public blow ups where embarrassing things are said in front of other people. Your friendship may survive a difficult conversation but also it may not and that is okay, but at least you can both walk away with dignity.
Issa or Molly, who do you think was right or wrong?
Words by Naliaka Wafula
Good article, calls for A WHOLE LOT of self reflection. I still think that when friendships get complicated and toxic, it’s better to leave that space. For both parties, no mater who’s on the wrong or right.
I agree, sometimes both parties may need a break to evaluate their feelings and once tempers have cooled have a sober conversation